I have no words just hurt

I've been trying to find something to write but all that comes is pain. So until I can find the right words or until the pain stops I'll be gone for a bit to focus on the things in front of me today.

Bad Rumor
A European agency has announced (publicly) that “due to changes in the management team of the Center for Chinese adoptions”, referrals are not likely to arrive in November.

Rumors and speculation are rampant. No one seems to believe that the new director can’t sign referrals until he gets situated. I think the two main theories are 1) The CCAA’s fiscal year ends at the end of November and they’ve used up their yearly quota so they must wait until December to send them and 2) the CCAA is trying to stretch referrals out as much as possible due to H1N1.

Maybe it’s one of those things. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s a bogus rumor. I’m not holding my breath on that last one. I’m only giving this rumor (that they aren’t coming in November) an R2 until we hear confirmation from another agency, but I’m not discounting it.

If we get some confirmation of this from other agencies then I’ll go ahead and close the poll and we’ll look at those numbers. If you are still in the NSN line and you are not expedited, and you haven’t “voted” your LID in the poll, then please do. This poll has been up since the arrival of the most recent referrals. Please don’t vote from home and then from work, and please talk to your spouse so only one of you records your LID.

Today's post from the Rumor Queen.

Perspective

We are recharged, renewed and READY!! It is hard to say how much this place changes our perspective everytime we go. The world turns calm everytime for us and all we want to do is come back again and again. This was a MUCH NEEDED trip and VERY MUCH enjoyed and now lets bring on the next round of rumors and get us on the ride because we are ready to see our daughter and sisters face! Bring on TA's and those referrals!!!!!

There is a video at the end of this slideshow and I must warn you...you might feel like you're on a rollercoaster!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Still holding out hope

At this point that is all we can do is hope. Current rumors do not look so good...another delay....another set back. While we were hopeful that today would be the day we now know it's not and so we will look towards Monday with strong hope. The protective walls around our hearts are gone and all we can do now is stay strong in our hope and faith to make it through.

Almost but not quite yet

This really is the worst part of the wait. The worst by far. The end. Many people have told me this over the years, but I always thought, "really?? how can it be any worse than the wait we've already endured?". Truth be told it's beyond anything to date. To explain it is hard because it's all still unknown until the end when you're holding that precious picture of your child in your hands, close to your heart. We've still got a few more days maybe even a week or more before the end is truly done.

What makes all of this even harder is the knowing, KNOWING, that there is a little girl in China waiting for us. She is born. She is breathing. She is here. And all that is going through our heads is, what does she look like, where is she, what is her name, how old is she, is she healthy, is she loved, is she, is she, is she.....? While she knows not of what lies ahead for her, we do. We have been preparing for her since July 2005. We have been dreaming of her. Our lives have been put in perpetual limbo because we can not see ourselves moving forward without her going there with us. Knowing that the future is within grasp, just a few inches away is what makes this end the worst part of the wait.

It seems as though we may have just a few more days to wait. Rumors are all over the place right now...matches complete, matching just starting, they made it through March, and now something in the air. Well the roller coaster has officially made me hurl this morning and Friday can't be here quick enough! To help the weekend pass we are off to get recharged and surround ourselves with Big Sur....ahhhhhhhh only there we can truly breathe through this labor and complete the last few days of this journey. These are the last few days we wait for our daughter.

While today was up and down and up and down again, I was blessed with the perfect distractions to the nauseating ride....first I got to have a quick email chat with Catherine and read through all the wonderful comments here and on FB, then my mom picked me up and we went and did some shopping and then not an hour passed when the phone rang with a little bit of sunshine to seriously brighten my day (thank you M3! it was PERFECT timing!!), then my sister showed up when I got home to check RQ with me since she'd been at a class all afternoon and needed to find out what was happening and then to top the day off some girlfriends swept me up to enjoy a dinner event at friends new deli in town. So as I lay my head down to sleep tonight, I realize I'm going to make it through these last few days without getting sick all over myself. I've got wonderful people holding my hand with me. I love you all!!

It's all about the girl!

This weekend was nothing but about baby! With the holidays upon us, we wanted to get some stuff done and out of the way before the hecticness of the season started so we went and registered. I'm glad we did though because this only being the first weekend of November, the malls were PACKED and there is nothing but holiday decor EVERYWHERE! Now we'd registered before but that was 4 years ago and we needed a fresh start, this time while it was a bit weird doing it before referral, it was still fun and a much needed distraction to these final days of waiting.

After a long day of crowds and pregnant women we came home to the sweetest package in the mail! Leme back up a bit though....About a year ago I pretty much went on a spending freeze for anything baby. I just didn't have it in me anymore and every time I went to buy something I just couldn't and when I could I bought for others instead. Well these last few weeks of anticipation for referral I'm feeling like I need to catch up on my lack of shopping for baby girl and I started looking for her first doll. I unfortunately missed out on another amazing adoptive moms talents of making beautiful dolls before they sold out and so I set out on finding another doll maker. After scouring Etsy for days I found her shop! Becky is also adopting and all of the proceeds of her sales go towards their adoption and she is WONDERFUL to work with! I was able to pick out exactly what I wanted our baby girls doll to look like right down to the red bows on her braids. So when we came home from our excursion on Saturday and opened the mail this is what was there to say hello to us.


Thank you Becky!! She will be forever loved I'm sure!!!


Besides spending a day wondering around a store feeling all dreamy and excited and finding sweet packages in our mailbox, this weekend was our friends sample sale for Keen products. OOOOO BOY!! All year long I've been dreaming of this sale and saving my money to buy the perfect pair of Keen shoes for traveling and maybe a pair or two for baby girl. Instead of finding the perfect shoes for me or her, I ended up walking out of there with the perfect diaper bag! Let me tell you the whole finding the perfect diaper bag thing has been painful. I'm not a big baby frilly diaper bag kinda mom. I like them simple yet functional and not covered with ducks and bows. I have found a few over the years that have tickled my fancy but hello I honestly can't spend that kind of money on a diaper bag. So when I saw this I melted.





It's perfect. It has what I need and hello it even has a light in it. HA! To add a cherry to the top, it was only 30 bucks! Sweet!

With diaper bag in hand, a sweet faced dolly ready and waiting and registry complete, we're ready for referral.
Leme say that again...we're ready for referral China!